ESPN Minute by Minute Fantasy Analysis
Note: The following is a parody of ESPN.com's fantasy basketball analysts. Do not confuse this for any one particular article; it's a synopsis of what appears on that site every day. Names have been held back out of fear of the columnists will come after me.
"I really like what I'm seeing from Earl Boykins tonight. Four assists in the first half. That's why I named him to my top ten underrated, undersized stars last week. He's just showing me something now, playing with that fire and passion."
"I've been hugely disappointed with Tim Duncan's play of late. He came up with big games in recent weeks and I expected 35 and 20 out of him here tonight. With just 12 points and 5 rebounds at halftime, he is way off pace. He drops down to third on my player of the week rankings."
"I think DeSagana Diop is a real force for the Mavericks this year, and should be credited with their hot start. He's pounding the boards and opening up lanes for his teammates. If you look up the word 'unselfish' in the dictionary, there will be a picture of Diop."
"The Bobcats' win tonight is a sign of them turning their season around. I wouldn't be surprised if they rode this win all the way to the playoffs. In fact, come March, we may be talking about Emeka Okafor for the M.V.P. If it works out, you heard it here first. If not, just disregard it and pretend I never said anything. Tomorrow I will make the same claims about another player of my choosing. It's part of a week-long series titled 'Big Stars inside little constellations.'"
It seriously has to end.