Saturday, October 29, 2005

Falling Back

First off, I'd like to apologize to all my fans for not writing since Yom Kippur. Much like Bill Simmons, I had a book tour for a book of my old papers that I just wrote funny footnotes to, so therefore I was unable to write a blog every other day. My bad. In all seriousness, nothing really happened to me the past few weeks to warrant a blog. I cvould've been like Uri and written crappy blogs, but I decided I didn't want to do that. On that note, I'd just like to say Uri has improved dramatically. I don't know if it's time to take him off probation yet, but we should at least make him hang out with his father more because he is clearly funnier than Uri is, was, or will ever be.

A few comments about Daylight Savings Time. First of all, I saw a poll on and 57% of people didn't like daylight savings time. What exactly is there not to like? The extra sunlight? The fact that it doesn't get dark at like 2 in the afternoon? I guess 57% of people on CNN are prostitutes and obviously their business is improved with the extra hours of darkness. (Although if you were a real good hooker, you'd be able to get business at all hours of the day).
Secondly, I just want to warn everybody about what I like to call the "Fall Back Trap." You may think that you can stay out later because you really have that extra hour, and than fool yourself into thinking that when you wake up it is also later. Let me remind all of you, it doesn't work both ways. You either get and hour tonight but everything is same time tomorrow, or no hour tonight and everything is later tomorrow.

A Dollar Twenty Five??

I'd like to take this opportunity to make it known that I am still alive. I got a number of calls questioning where I had gone. In fact, when I called Av, not Avi, he responded with "Where the hell have you been?" Anyway, due to my need to work over the holiday, I've had barely enough time to do just about anything, let alone blog, although I have been keeping up. Danny actually called me to notify me that I am still on probation and that I should be taking notes on my life so that I can come back with a bang. I didn't. Although, I can always count on my father for a good story.

Every few weeks, my dad takes in shirts to the cleaners, but he will only go in on Thursday when shirts cost a dollar instead of $1.25. He explained to me that he brings in like 16 shirts every time, so he saves 4 dollars at least. Totally understandable. Anyway, he sent my sister to bring the shirts in this week, and she brought back a receipt, something he never does. When looking at the receipt, he noticed that the shirts each cost 1.25 even though they were brought in on Thursday. When he asked the guy at the cleaners, he told my dad that they're only $1 when they're put on hangers, but when you get them in boxes they're still 1.25. After getting over this initial shock that he has been paying 1.25 for each shirt over the last few years, he's decided to switch to hangers. So I asked him how he would put them away, because normally he puts his shirts in his drawers. His response, "I'm just gonna fold them myself." Classic Queens.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Stolen Game Ball

After last year's Doug Mientkiewicz hidden ball trick fiasco, Paul Konerko made sure to steal the ball from the last out of the World Series and to hide it during the entire celebration. Even as reporters probed, and bloggers rumored, Konerko concealed where the ball was. Just now, while speaking at the White Sox rally, he handed it over to the Chairman of the White Sox, Jerry Reinsdorf, who called it "the most emotional moment of my life."

That's true class. Maybe Konerko doesn't have a family to feed the way Mientkiewicz did last year.


Thursday, October 27, 2005

Chad Johnson Makes Me Laugh

RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE - Wide receiver Chad Johnson is looking forward to playing against Green Bay cornerback Al Harris, an eight-year veteran who began his career on Tampa Bay's practice squad.

"There are two things for brother Harris this week," said Johnson. "The bad thing is he has to cover me. The good is he can save 15 percent by switching his insurance to Geico."

Johnson can be seen at the Comedy Cellar on alternate weekends through December. Photo Id required upon entry.


Redskins Outscored Papa John's on Sunday

"In seasons past, the restaurant chain's offer of a free pizza topping every time the Redskins scored a touchdown was unlikely to overburden anyone's pie. Last year, it was rare when the Redskins earned pizza lovers anything more than a pepperoni-and-mushroom."

"I had somebody come in with a list of 14 toppings," said Mike House, the manager of a Papa John's store in Fairfax City. "My computer won't take more than 10." He was making 14-topping pizzas, but he warned people that they wouldn't be well cooked. The chain has 17 toppings, but some locations offer fewer.



Athletes in Wrecks

The AP is reporting that "Denver Broncos offensive lineman Dwayne Carswell was in critical but stable condition Thursday after he was seriously injured in a five-car accident."

If you currently own Carswell in your fantasy league, is it too insensitive to now drop him? Maybe severe car crashes aren't as bad as deaths, in the case of Jason Collier. If you have a really, really big fantasy basketball league, with a large emphasis on backup forwards, can you now cross Collier off your list of potential late round picks? I am going to be the big man (pun intended) and not call him a sleeper pick here.


Yeshiva Dance Video

Since I am sure there are many people over the age of 25, or who live in Teaneck, who have not seen this video, I will post the link to it. I know that many have, so just ignore it.

Here it is. Outtake included after, but you can stop watching after like 5:30.


Saturday, October 22, 2005

Sir Travis Knight Goes on Heritage

For some reason, this made me LOL.

"Former NBA center Travis Knight reportedly will sign to play in Poland. Knight is 7-0 and played in the NBA from 1996-2002 with New York, Boston, and the Los Angeles Lakers. He was a member of the Lakers' 1999-2000 title-winning team and compiled NBA career averages of 3.4 points and 3.1 rebounds."

This guy used to play for UCONN. Get used to the cold and the persecution, Travis.

If you want to see a list of "I forgot about that guy" basketball players and where they are now, click here.


Friday, October 21, 2005

Lulav Ain't Gonna Work On Saturday

Just a thought...

If we traditionally don't use a lulav on Shabbos because we may come to violate the prohibition against carrying on Shabbos, then why don't we trust our eruvs today and allow for carrying?

I always liked the "you may come to" logic. I should not be permitted to wear pants on Shabbos because I may come to iron them, or use them as a toothpick, or inadvertently use them to turn on a light or something. Furthermore, then everything should also become mukzah out of fear you may come to carry them, violating the prohibition against carrying. If we can leave our siddurim at shul, why not our lulavim too?

This religion, as always, makes a whole lot of sense.

For non-cynical people who actually want to learn a little bit more about this law--as it pertains to Shofar--they can click here.


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Beer Company Learns Beer Involved in Beer Pong

You will recall a post I made recently regarding the WSOBP. Well, it turns out the good people at Anheuser-Busch were shocked to learn that people were using beer to play "Bud Pong." Nice try at a cover-up. The wool must have been pulled over their eyes.

Instead, the company will only promote itself in venues that do not promote the sale of alcohol or appeal to people under the legal drinking age. Or to attach the logo to a sport like that.

Nice job reforming your image, Busch.


Esrog Foam

I know that this isn't a breaking development, but it still warrants mentioning: whoever decided to get rid of the hair and change to the foam for protecting the esrog, great job. The fact that they used that hair for so long makes no sense. It was annoying as hell and it didn't even seem to really protect the esrog at all. And it's not like foam wasn't invented until recently. Perhaps U-Boat can provide some insight into this query since he is in the biz.


As anyone who saw my away message Sunday night (which was brought to you by the letter U, the F word and the number 2) knows, I went to see U2 this week. Absolutely mind-blowing experience. Can't even begin to describe the rush as the show began: in complete darkness, a voice yells out "Everybody" louder and louder as confetti starts to fall from the sky and the music from "City of Blinding Lights" begins; as the music reached its apex, the lights come on to reveal Bono standing on the edge of the catwalk 5 feet from me with his head tilted back and his hands up in the air in supplication. No Words. Anyone who appreciates music must make it a point to see this band play live once in their life. They perform for every single song in the setlist, adding something special to change the experience of being there in person.
As for the comedy highlight of the night: before the concert, this girl near us tried to pick me up. To call her hideously ugly wouldn't be doing it justice. She was stalkerish, continually asking me if I was gonna "stay in touch" with her. All I've gotta say about this is "I got a phone do you like them apples?"

Monday, October 17, 2005

Today Show Lies; not CNN

If you have not seen this yet, it's great. I am linking to an article about the incident, but it contains the link to the clip. It's worth watching over and over again. It's just made even greater by the article which includes the hosts' reaction to the live screwup.


Martha Stewart Re-Designed My Sukkah

Because everyone else either fled town, I was stuck with an assignment I had otherwise avoided for much of my adolescent life. It's the most dreaded part of the sukkot preparation and what causes so many college students to deliberately delay coming home until moments before the chag. That's right. This year I got stuck with decorating the sukkah.

I decided to attack the beast with an organized front. With my Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia in my toolbelt, I went at the first wall head on, attaching a number of those hooky thingies to the wall. From there, I had to decide what to cover it with. Because the first wall is the most noticeable and oft-mentioned, I made this the Wall of Shame. This is the section where we put up all the old crappy artwork that kids brought home through the years. My Wall has two items on it: one is the outline of an apple filled with a college of red magazine cutouts. I'm not really sure what educator assigned this task but I hope he or she has since been exiled. It's really one of the stupidest looking things ever. That's why it had to be included on the wall.

Beside it is a large piece of red construction paper with pictures of various holiday related foods like circular challah and a jar of honey. I believe the assignment here was just to color them in, only I--probably trying to finish early so I could get more snack--seemed to have taken one crayon and filled all of it in with a bunch of random zigzags across the page. So everything is covered by the same red streak. So much red, so much shame. Wall of Shame completed. I think this was provoked then by hoarding too much Ellmer's white glue in my throat

The rest of the sukkah is a mix between an autumn theme, plastic flowers and leaves hanging across the walls, and a flashback to the 1970's when laminated posters must've been the "in" thing. These are staples of any sukkah today, however, and are the most necessary component to any successful design. They're covering the fourth wall, cut off my the entranceway.

My real problem has always been that I can't draw a straight line. So after I finished, and took a look at my masterpiece, I realized that pretty much everything is crooked. My finger hurts too much from hanging those hooky thingies though and I refuse to go back and fix it.

If it's the only way to get out of this painful chore, even I have to agree with the klal on this one. Lishana Habah B'Yirushalayim indeed.


Rove is a Political Liability and Expensive Contraceptive

Click here for details.


Jewish Palm Fronds Are MIA in Egypt

This article addresses the shortage of palm fronds in Egypt.

The article has perhaps some of the worst quotes ever to appear in the Washington Post. The writer, Xtopher Lee, was left with very little wiggle room, or as my old chevruta would say it, wiggle woom.

Here are a few excerpts:

"I said, 'Let my palm fronds go,' " Rep. Gary L. Ackerman (D-N.Y.) recounted lightheartedly. "We've been using reason and logic and cajoling and friendly persuasion to get them to agree to this. . . . We're trying to avoid the Egyptians from looking like the grinch that stole Sukkot."

"We very much respect the religious practices about this," said Hussein Mansour, head of the agricultural office of the Egyptian Embassy in Washington. "For this year, we made an exception, just to cut two leaves from each tree in order to satisfy the need for the religious people in Europe and the United States and Israel. But next year we're going to have a full plan, and we're going to plant special trees."

Because it's a Jewish article quoting Jews about what non-Jews are doing to affect them, there has to be at least one quote theorizing some Anti-semitic ill will. Thank you for providing that, Eliot Engel:

Rep. Eliot L. Engel (D-N.Y.) said the problem is that the Egyptians did not announce the restrictions until shortly before the holiday. "I'd like them to start protecting their trees in November," he said, "and then we can have a whole year to talk about it for next year."

But the best by far is the last one which speaks for itself.

Mansour said his country was "very much keen" to ensure adequate supplies of palm fronds in the future. "At the same time, we are very much keen not to damage the tree," he said, "because we think that religion also is made to keep the environment good."

How poignant.


Sunday, October 16, 2005

The Foddy Took Off Without Warning

After long lost, our good buddies have updated their site with real features and something close to a decent looking website. Here is a blog by a guy from Brooklyn who called a foddy. I can't get over this. This is such the opposite of the guy who collects the dung from elephants and places it inside a giant sack by Dani Garden and co. I am elated, to say the least.


Petition to Save Plummer's Sporty Stache

"In this topsy-turvy world there are few things all mankind can agree on. The sun is good, killing is bad and Jake Plummer has the most amazing mustache in the history of bewhiskered upper-lips. But, sadly, Plummer shaved said mustache late last week in a move that not only betrays all fashion sense, but also the entire United States of America. Jake Plummer, please bring the mustache back. We, your countrymen and women, need it. Two hurricanes, rising gas prices and political divisiveness have torn our country apart. With your mustache, maybe we can begin the long process of healing. Without it, Jake, we as a society are doomed. "

Sign here.


World Series of Beer Pong to Debut this Winter

I wonder if ESPN is planning coverage of this sport/not a sport debateable tournament. The rules, however, are funnier than the fact that this thing actually exists. Rule III: 10 is fabulous if you don't have time to scroll through it all.


Friday, October 14, 2005

Dibarnu Dofi

So everyone probably has great stories from Yom Kippur but probably very few of you had a guy's cell phone ring (twice) in the middle of mincha. Well, I did. To make matters worse, it turns out that the calls were to order food from a non-kosher restaurant that he would eat while having sex with a prostitute on a sefer torah during neilah.

Rev. Farrakhan is a Cartoon Character

This is just beyond comprehension.

Farrakhan: Levee May Have Been Bombed To Flood Black People

"WASHINGTON -- Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan said it's up to the government to prove that a levee wasn't bombed to flood poor black people out of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina.

Farrakhan said he's heard that military explosives may have been used to blow a hole in the levee, resulting in what he said would amount to "mass murder."

Quoting the Bible and the Quran, The Rev. Farrakhan said he suspects there was a government conspiracy behind the New Orleans flooding, but is confident that God will reveal the truth."


Natalie Portman Speaks Out About Atonement

It's the second brief, but be sure to read the first one too.


Thursday, October 13, 2005

Fugitive at Large in St. Louis

Apparently, Cardinals pitcher Matt Morris has grown a beard to escape the one-armed man.

"Dr. Richard Kimble is loose in St. Louis. i want you to check every outhouse, doghouse, clubhouse..."


The Yom Kippur Effect

I got stuck with holding the second Torah today for the second time in three days of the High Holidays. I understand that people look at me and think "he's 200 pounds, let's stick this enormously oversized Torah in his hands and rest assured we won't be extending the fast another 40 days." Well, I need to make clear that I am just a weak 7 year old girl, despite my exterior physique. So as I was holding that Torah today, I imagined myself as Dakota Fanning (who else?) trying to carry a Torah that was the size of a 7 year old boy. So then it wasn't Dakota carrying a Torah in my imagination, but one of the twins who played Adam Sandler's kids in "Big Daddy." Yes, this is what I was thinking about on Yom Kippur.

Oh, and the Torah had pictures of pink flowers on the front. And we know what pink means. Weird feminist Torah maybe.

I spent a load of Neilah reading a mussar book, focusing on a chapter related to Envy. It told a parable about a king who promised a deceiver and an envier double what the other requested for, but only one of them could ask him for whatever he wishes for. The deceiver had no good play, nor did the envier because they each wished for the double portion of what the other would get. Finally the envier steps up and says he wants the king to gouge out one of his eyes. I want to take this story and re-print it inside a book that is the opposite of mussar that praises people for cleverness and smartness. Guinness level brilliance indeed.


Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Random Thoughts Before Yom Kippur

1. WFAN hired Tony Paige as the new overnight guy. I cannot begin to tell you how mad I am. He is possibly the worst host in the history of radio. It is well known the only reason he got the job was because of his skin color (the same as mine according to Chinese people standing in line in front of me at my road test). I'm all for giving African Americans opportunities, but let's be honest here-if they suck, they shouldn't get these opportunities.

2. How in God's name did the Angels stay awake last night let alone win a baseball game?

3. Minnesota Vikings got into a little trouble on their bye week. The incident was described as follows: "Doyle said the outing ended early and the boats returned to shore when staff members complained to the captains that some of the people on board were engaging in sexual acts and taking off their clothes." The way I understood sports parties, this was normal. Plus what kind of staff members would complain about naked women? I'm not exactly sure, but now I know why Chester is a big Vikings fan. Is there room on the bandwagon for me??

Demise of the Skankees

"Ki Ta'avir Memshelet Zadon Min Haaretz"-Davening for the High Holidays (Danny, check your local Machzor for the translation)

Many people have been asking me where my post for the demise of the Sodomites has been. Well, to be honest, I've been too busy planning the parade and celebrating. But just one comment about the Amalekites loss. It really bothers me that everyone is speaking like the Yankees really accomplished something just for making the playoffs. First of all,they had a $200 million payroll. Second of all, it is entirely possible that the Yankees will have the MVP(Gayrod), Cy Young (Mariano, actually the only Yankee I can respect)Rookie of the Year (Cano, although he shouldn't win it, it's definitely a possibility), and the Comeback Player of the Year (Giambi, aka the Sultan of Shots in the Tuchus). They had an excellent team. I understand they had injuries that decimated their pitching staff, but please, they should win a round of the playoffs. As Shuey Jacoby has pointed out- "It has been a billion dollars since the Yankees last won." Enough said.

Purdue Cracks Down on Cheating

Staff Writer Joy Nyenhuis-Rouch describes how Purdue is cracking down on plagiarism. It's toward the bottom of the front page, which is dominated by a large picture. If you scroll past it, you will find what you are looking for. You will thank me later for directing you to this.

The link is a PDF to the newspaper itself, so it takes a little while to load.

Also from the site, a graduate student writing about women's unmentionables.


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Pro Bono

This morning, signs were posted around school that said PRO BONO SIGN UP TODAY. Since I am huge U2 fan and very pro-Bono, naturally, I attended. I should have been tipped off at the confused stares I got when I walked into the meeting wearing my "Bono is god" t-shirt and an Irish flag around my neck as a cape. As it turns out, pro bono has nothing to do with U2 (or any music at all.) Apparently, it refers to legal work done for free out of the goodness of your heart. To make matters worse, it turns out I have to do 70 hours of it in order to graduate.

: this would be even funnier if it happened, but still a good story
ATL2NY1: that is the most false story of all time by the way. you didnt even try to put a grain of truth into it

NBA Models Dress Code on MTA's

You just can't beat NBA players. The average player makes $4 million a year. But Latrell Sprewell still can't feed his family. And now this:

"I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes," Nuggets center Marcus Camby said. "Guys who haven't been wearing suits and don't own suits, it will be really hard to get them in time for the season (needing to be specially made for tall players).

"It's tough if you have to dress up when you make an appearance. When you go to a basketball clinic and teach something, it's not going to make sense. And being dressed up on the plane, sometimes you have long back-to-back trips and you want to be loose and comfortable. I don't see it happening."


Monday, October 10, 2005

Quest for the Upper West

When it came to making Simchat Torah plans for this year, I decided to try something different. I know that the Upper West Side is a very popular place for young people to gather for the holiday. I am relying exclusively on the power of the internet to get me through my Quest for the Upper West.

I began my quest by searching several roommate finding websites this evening and by emailing all of the people currently seeking a male roommate.

This is the generic email I sent out to those people:

"I am a 22 year old recent college graduate of YU looking to check out the Upper West Side to decide if I want to make the big move there. Right now I am living at home in Silver Spring, MD while I get my stuff together before starting a job in New York in the beginning of November. I have heard mixed reviews about the Upper West Side and really can't be sure right now if this is a neighborhood that matches what I am looking for religiously ans socially.

I understand from your advertisement on _______ that you are looking for a roommate. Your description of the apartment leads me to believe it is what I am looking for, if I decide the UWS is the place for me. However, since I can't really know until I have been there, would it be at all possible for me to spend the second days of Succot living in your apartment with you, to test the waters? I know this is asking a lot, but even if it's just a couch, it would help me make this ever so important decision."

I wonder if anyone would fall for this. We'll find out.


Sunday, October 09, 2005

Yankees Cheat

During the top of the 4th inning tonight, Fox featured a song with graphics to illustrate how Vlad Guerrero will swing at anything. The lyrics can be found here.

Speaking of cartoons, how many nerdy teenagers just tuned into Fox looking for Family Guy only to wonder why a baseball game was on during primetime.

Speaking of not knowing what a sport is, how many people born in the past 450 days turned on the TV last week to find a sport they weren't familiar with that takes place on ice.


Wednesday, October 05, 2005

RH Wrapup

Things I was thinking about while hiding the kohanim's shoes...

I wonder if Shawn Green went to synagogue this year.

You know you've made it as a Rabbi when they ask you to read the notes to the shofar blower.

If you must refrain from talking during mussaf, to remain focused on the shofar blowing, then I would imagine the following conversation took place in many Orthodox shuls this week:

"The Tekiyahs won 4-2 last night. Robinson Shofar came through for them."

I asked Schneck why the Artscroll tashlich is 10 pages longer than all others. He said, "Because people who daven with Artscoll have more sins."

Mom tried to pawn off a banana as a new fruit, claiming it had a brown peel.

Not one, but two of the 70 or so men at our minyan wore bowties this morning to shul. That made roughly 3-4% of our minyan bowtie wearers and approximately 1-2% of our minyan interested in this phenomemon.


Monday, October 03, 2005

Supreme Court

Warning: Uri, please do not read this post (except for the last paragraph), it will only go over your head. None of the people mentioned in this post are people you can use in names, and John Paul Stevens is not the name of two of the Beatles, he is a supreme court justice. So, for your own good, Uri, don't read this post.
George Bush has nominated Harriet Miers for Sandra Day O'Connor's spot on the Supreme Court. Just a few comments on this:
1. Many people are already commenting on the fact that this is the second time Bush has asked someone to find a prominent position (Miers was head of the search committee for this Supreme Court Spot, and Dick Cheney was famously head of the search committee for Vice President) and selected themselves. Many people are making fun of this. But if you ask me it makes perfect sense. If the President asked me to find a new Secretary of State, I of course would choose myself, so why shouldn't have these two people have chosen themselves as well?
2. However, a big problem with this nomination is the fact that no one knows who the hell this woman is. This is the second time in a row that Bush tried to choose a nominee that no one really knows in order to further his own agenda. At this rate, once John Paul Stevens kicks the bucket, I think I have a good shot at being the next Supreme Court nominee.
On a side note (ok Uri you can read again), I want to make a football prediction right now. The New York Football Giants will be in the Super Bowl this year. This year is very much like 2000 when the Giants really sucked, but had a very easy schedule and managed to play a great game against the Vikings in the NFC Championship. I know it sounds crazy, but take a look at the Giants schedule. They don't really play anyone. I just have this hunch that the Giants are going to the Super Bowl. I guess only time will tell.

The (Gay) Pot Calls the Kettle Black.

The Sodomites are evidently upset over the fact that the Rangers took out some of their starters yesterday, probably allowing the Angels to capture home field for the first round of the playoffs. Did Gayrod forget that Mike Mussina was supposed to start yesterday and Jarret Wright started instead? Were the Cleveland Indians complaining that the Yankees didn't play their best lineup, even though the Amalekites had to beat the Red Sox for the Indians to keep their season going? No they did not, mainly because every organization in the world (yes, even Hitler's Youth and the KKK) has more class than the Crapheads.
On another note, some caller just called the fan complaining that Mets fans are unable to complain about the Sodomites salary because the Mets also have a very high salary. I want to get this straight once and for all. The Mets payroll is $100 million. The Yankees is over $200 million. For all those math majors-that is double. It is not even close. To think the Yankees and Mets salaries are comparable is downright ridiculous. I never want to hear a Yankee fan explain that the Mets have a high payroll as well. They do but the Yankees are in a different stratosphere. Case closed.
On the same note, I would like to relate a story that Avo told me. While Av was talking to Michelle about the Jets quarterbacking troubles, Michelle asked "Why don't they just buy another team's Quarterback?" Truly spoken like a Yankee fan who does not understand any fiscal constraint.

Fun Sweater

A little late reporting this, but...
Saturday night, us boys went out for a crazy night on the town (pizza and mini-golf.) Harold came down the stairs dressed in a sweater, which the rest of us mocked as too formal for such a casual occasion. We suggested that his attire might be more appropriate for a date with whatever lovely lass he might be seeing. His response: "I would never wear this on a date. This is my fun sweater."

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Fist Punch Explosion

After JB hit a 53 yard field goal to pull the Seahawks ahead of the Redskins just now, he "exploded" after he punched fists with his holder.


Yard Sale Bonanza

So the neighbors are having a yard sale today in their driveway. Everyone knows the best yard sales extend onto their lawns, lamps and dressers strewn out on blankets. But this is just a standard one by the look of it, four or five popup tables with assorted clutter on them. Essentially, they have transported their storage room to their driveway, when, in reality, could have saved a lot of time and effort by just having the yard sale inside their storage room.

When I was outside just now, their first customer came by. It was an elderly lady (read: really old) who was, of course, being followed by the excited homeowners as she glanced over at each table of goodies.

"Where's your jewelry section?" she asked.
"We don't have any we're selling."
"How about costumes?"
"No, we're keeping all of our clothes."

Maybe she thought she was at Macy's.

But the real question that arises is whether or not I can go over and haggle over prices. This is how it plays out in my head:

"How much for the 8 pound bag of coffee beans?" I ask.
"I'll give you $2."
"$15, and you stay away from my daughter."
"$4 and I'll stop urinating on your lawn."
"$10 and you wash my car."

I mean, if good fences make good neighbors, the guy you just ripped off on hedge clippers can't be a good second option. The fact is that the American thing to do is to capitalize on his sale by having my own and selling stuff cheaper. As people respond to his local advertising (phone poles and tree trunks) and show up, they are bound to come to mine too as a result. After a few hours he will pay me to close up shop because I am stealing all of his business. Nothing closer to the American Dream than being bought out by the larger chain.